Some of you may have read my previous post about teaching Elliot to take a plastic bottle. You may have noticed that there was lots of existential ranting, but scant details about the actual process of bottle training.
So here's the rest of the story.
As I started feeding Elliot regularly, I found that the best strategy was to face him toward some object he likes. (These include, in descending order, the colander, the refrigerator, a photograph of a semi-nude woman that hangs in the hallway, and Hannah's grandmother's oil painting of a flower.)
So on the momentous day when he finally took the bottle, I had him upright in my arms, facing out. I was standing in front of the colander, which hangs from our pot rack. This allowed me to lean back against the kitchen counter.
He seemed content there, but I had a problem. If he'd been on his back I could have held the bottle upside down, vertically, and the milk would have flowed easily. But since he was seated upright, the bottle kept tipping forward and no milk could come out. So he was playing with the nipple but not drinking from it.
Every time I tried to lie him on his back, he cried and wouldn't take the bottle. And every time I sat him upright he sucked on the nipple but no milk came out. Fnck!
So here's what I did: I let him just suck on the empty nipple, kind of playing with it. And then, since I was leaning against the kitchen counter with him comfortably snuggled in my arms, I leaned my whole body backwards very very slowly. Little by little, tiny increments. I watched as he continued to suck, not noticing that he was slowly tipping horizontal. And I watched the milk slowly roll forward toward the tip of the nipple.
Eh voila! The milk filled the nipple, and Elliot kept sucking away happily. Little bubbles rose through the fluid. Elliot was drinking from a bottle. Success!
There was only one problem, and I was feeling it in my abs. To get the correct angle to feed him at, I had unconsciously leaned way, way back, so that I was essentially holding myself mid-sit-up, with an 18 pound weight resting on my chest.
Now, I know you think I do regular 18-pound weight sit-ups--- how else would I have such sweet abs? But you are incorrect. I do not do sit-ups to get these sweet abs.
After about five seconds I was hurting bad. I held the sit-up for about ten more seconds, out of love for Elliot and commitment to his nutritional status. And then I quit.
I know it seems crazy, but at the time it felt like any movement would disrupt the delicate balance. Maybe it's like the fog of war that soldiers describe: in that moment of panic and desperation you sometimes do crazy sh!t that you cannot explain later.